Sayings

Riddles Redundancy Bill of
No Rights Olde
English

The world is not getting worse, it is just that the news coverage is getting better.
A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. -- Oscar Wilde
The bible teaches us how to go to heaven, not how the heavens go. -- Galileo
Heisenburg may have slept here.
Copernicus stopped the sun and made the earth move.
Life without festivity is like a long road without an inn.
Everything was so different before everything changed.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
Puritanism is the fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. -- H. L. Mencken
One of the greatest delusions in the world is the hope that the evils in this world are to cured by legislation. -- Thomas B. Reed (1886)
If everything seems to be going your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.
Television is called a medium because nothing is well done.
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -- Steven Wright
If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? -- Gallagher
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness", but it doesn't work. -- Gallagher
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
He started out with nothing and he still has most of it.
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence university education. -- George Bernard Shaw
God put us here to accomplish something in our lifetimes. I am so far behind now, I'll never be able to die
Everything you can imagine is real. -- Pablo Picasso
Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot; others transform a yellow spot into the sun. -- Pablo Picasso
Research is to see what everyone else has seen, but to think what no one else has thought.
Things should be made as simple as possible, but not any simpler. -- Albert Einstein
Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted, counts. -- Albert Einstein
The human race likes to give itself airs. One good volcano can produce more greenhouse gases in a year than the human race has in its entire history." -- Ray Bradbury
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong -- Voltaire
The only people you should get even with are those who have helped you.
Please all, and you will please none.
The plural of spouse is spice.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill
Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five. -- Joel Hildebrand
The best way to have a good idea is to have a lot of ideas. -- Linus Pauling
Superstition is merely ignorance of the way the world functions.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Niels Bohr
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. -- Galileo
Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
Time is nature's way of ensuring that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time, like mathematics is a concept, a way we devise to understand experience. Asking when time began is like asking when mathematics began. -- Marilyn Van Savant
There's no future in time travel.
If you eat a bowl of antipasto and then eat a bowl of pasta, are you still hungry?
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. -- Alex Levine
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. -- Dave Barry
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
A metaphor is like a simile.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
Everyone should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink. -- W. C. Fields
Titanic, this is the Hindenburg. Send up a flair so we can find you.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two Rules For Success are:
1. Never tell people everything you know.
We are friends of liberty everywhere, but we are only the guardians of our own. -- John Adams
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office. -- Robert Frost
Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and all good things will be yours -- Swedish proverb
If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead -- if you strike oil. -- J. Paul Getty
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. -- Stephen Wright
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain won't work.
If there's a ring in the tub, please answer it.
It must be spring, the saps are running again.
Fast, good, cheap -- pick two.
If you are irreplaceable, how can you be promoted?
Why do we drive in a parkway but park in a driveway?
Why do we wind up a clock to start it, but wind up a meeting to end it?
Why is a wise guy the opposite of a wise man?
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The word carburetor is French for leave it alone.
So, you took an IQ test and the results were negative.
The lottery is tax on people who are bad at math.
Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey
Geologists are fault finders.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson on ESP
He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O (H-to-O).
It is the customary fate of new truths to begin as heresies and end as superstitions. -- T. H. Huxley
We will make electricity so cheap that only the rich will burn candles. -- Thomas Edison
A day without coffee is like night. You sleep most of the time.
Is onomatopoeia spelled like it sounds?
I don't want to be immortal through my work. I want to be immortal through not dying. -- Woody Allen
Cuisine is something like food but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If the cuisine is French, then the waiter will insult you.
He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave. -- Sir William Drummond
You are conscious when you are aware of something; conscience is when you wish you weren't.
What's worse, ignorance or apathy? Don't know, don't care.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
I've been dieting for a month, and all I've lost is 30 days.
The Service Engineer has never seen a model quite like yours.
Half the people in the world are below average.
All generalizations are false.
Me, a skeptic? I trust you have proof.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant. -- John Stuart Mill, On Liberty
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. -- Steven Wright
There's a lot of comedy on television, but does this cause comedy in the streets?
Why is it called it a building when it looks like it's finished. Shouldn't it be called a built?
Engineering is like having an 8 am class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life, but the pay is much better.
Don't treat computers as though they were human; they hate it.
Programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas because oct(31) = dec(25).
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Unix is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. -- E. W. Dijkstra
It was mentioned on CNN that the new prime number discovered recently is four times bigger than the previous record. -- John Blasik

A short history of medicine: Doctor, I have an ear ache.

2000 BC --
1000 BC --
1850 AD --
1940 AD --
1985 AD --
2000 AD --

Here, eat this root.
That root is heathen, say this prayer.
That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

The difference between heaven and earth is that

In heaven
the police are British
the cooks are French
the mechanics are German
the lovers are Italian
the Swiss are the organizers

In hell
the police are German
the cooks are British
the mechanics are French
the lovers are Swiss
the Italians are the organizers

Different viewpoints on a glass of water

The optimist thinks the glass is half full.
The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty.
The engineer knows the glass is too large by a factor of two.

Proof that odd numbers are prime

The Mathematician: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime.
The Physicist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime.
The Engineer: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime.
The Computer Scientist: 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime

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